:::Warning::: this is going to be a negative post filled with lots of whining.
Do you ever sit there and wonder who you are and what you are doing with your life? This is a question that I ask myself everyday. As I sit here typing this, I struggle to understand the meaning of life. I thought life was to be so great and filled with tons of happiness. I sit at work crying on a daily basis wondering if this is what I was meant to do in life? Am I meant to work for my parents the rest of my life? Am I meant to make them happy so the business doesn't suffer? Why do I feel so guilty for having thoughts of leaving this job? I deserve to be happy too right? The past 6 years of my life have not been the greatest for me (other than getting married to the most wonderful person ever). I fail to believe that I am better than this and that I can do better in my career. I fail to get the courage to do something about it. Do you realize how much your job can effect everything else in your life? The depression that I get from this job has turned me into a zombie...yes, a zombie! Most of the time I walk around ignoring everything around me because I'm so lost, so confused about where I'm going. I can't seem to get a grip on things anymore and the CONSTANT pressure is going to cause me to blow! I'm afraid that I will become so depressed that I will have no way out. Why is this happening to me????? I used to be so cool, so calm, so collected.
Maybe I had that miscarriage for a reason...maybe it was a sign that I would have been a bad mother...maybe it was a sign that I'm so screwed up that motherhood is never going to happen for me....or maybe it was a sign that I need to continue helping my parents and work here the rest of my life! Ahhhhh, I'm so angry!!! I'm so sad!!! I'm so confused!!! I'm so miserable!!! God, please give me some direction. Please help me find a reason for life. Please help me find who I am. I can't keep living like this.
I'm sorry to all my family and friends. I'm sorry that I can't be a wonderful friend, daughter, wife, niece, employee, etc. I'm sorry!!! I'm trying SOOOO hard to put these issues aside so I can be a wonderful person to all the people in my life. Please bare with me as I try to find myself and get back to that Lesli that everyone remembers.
2 comments:
lesli - i know their are times in life that we just can't bear to handle. but know that you have a beautiful house to come home to, a loving husband by your side, and the cutest little dog ever. it really does suck when times are rough, but look on the bright side. these rough times won't last forever. i know how it feels not to 'know who you are', because i am trying to figure the same thing out. i think a lot of people are in our position. just do the best you can do at finding yourself. go for a scenic hike (maybe when the leaves start changing?) and do a lot of soul searching. just remember, you are not alone hun!
Lesli---You know they say everything happens for a reason and after m/c you do do a lot of soul searching. But this does not mean you wouldn't be a good mother! Not at all! You will be a fantastic mother. I'm thinking of you and hope that you are feeling better!! :::BIG HUGS:::
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