No Luck This Time

Well AF showed her ugly face yesterday morning...so on to the next cycle. I was so bummed because we timed everything perfectly and I actually had a NORMAL cycle for once instead of my 40-50 day cycles. A normal cycle for me doesn't happen too often so I really thought we had a good chance this time. Oh well...

I'm looking forward to the Apple Festival tomorrow with some friends. This is one of my favorite things to do every year. It really gets me in the mood for Fall and the holiday season. I can't wait to get my pumpkin funnel cake and buy some apple dumplings for dessert that evening. YUM!!!!!

Who am I?

:::Warning::: this is going to be a negative post filled with lots of whining.

Do you ever sit there and wonder who you are and what you are doing with your life? This is a question that I ask myself everyday. As I sit here typing this, I struggle to understand the meaning of life. I thought life was to be so great and filled with tons of happiness. I sit at work crying on a daily basis wondering if this is what I was meant to do in life? Am I meant to work for my parents the rest of my life? Am I meant to make them happy so the business doesn't suffer? Why do I feel so guilty for having thoughts of leaving this job? I deserve to be happy too right? The past 6 years of my life have not been the greatest for me (other than getting married to the most wonderful person ever). I fail to believe that I am better than this and that I can do better in my career. I fail to get the courage to do something about it. Do you realize how much your job can effect everything else in your life? The depression that I get from this job has turned me into a zombie...yes, a zombie! Most of the time I walk around ignoring everything around me because I'm so lost, so confused about where I'm going. I can't seem to get a grip on things anymore and the CONSTANT pressure is going to cause me to blow! I'm afraid that I will become so depressed that I will have no way out. Why is this happening to me????? I used to be so cool, so calm, so collected.

Maybe I had that miscarriage for a reason...maybe it was a sign that I would have been a bad mother...maybe it was a sign that I'm so screwed up that motherhood is never going to happen for me....or maybe it was a sign that I need to continue helping my parents and work here the rest of my life! Ahhhhh, I'm so angry!!! I'm so sad!!! I'm so confused!!! I'm so miserable!!! God, please give me some direction. Please help me find a reason for life. Please help me find who I am. I can't keep living like this.

I'm sorry to all my family and friends. I'm sorry that I can't be a wonderful friend, daughter, wife, niece, employee, etc. I'm sorry!!! I'm trying SOOOO hard to put these issues aside so I can be a wonderful person to all the people in my life. Please bare with me as I try to find myself and get back to that Lesli that everyone remembers.

3 Years Ago Today...

3 years ago today I was getting married to the most wonderful man in the world. Time sure is flying...it seems like yesterday we were in college dating. I can't believe all that has happened since Sept 17, 2005. We moved in to our first rental townhouse (this is the first time we lived together), getting our baby yorkie Del, buying our first home and experiencing that whole process, selling our first house, moving into the AWESOME house we have now, inlaws moving to Oklahoma, getting pregnant which shortly resulted in a miscarriage and now trying to start a family again. We have had our share of ups and downs with things (jobs, miscarriage, etc) but our love gets stronger each day. I can still remember talking to Erik for the very first time way back when we were 17 sitting in homeroom (in high school)....he was the sweetest guy ever and that hasn't changed one bit! I'm so grateful to have such a loving husband who loves me unconditionally and will do anything for me and I mean ANYTHING! My life would not be complete without him and I love him more each second of each day. Happy Anniversary Erik!!!

The 2WW begins...I think?

Well I entered my temps in this morning and FF is giving me crosshairs that I ovulated? I don't think I did yet but I'll go with it for now. It could always change in a couple days. So for now...let the insanity of the 2WW begin! These 2 weeks are always the worst...waiting...anaylizing every symptom...waiting some more then....finally its either the big let down or time to celebrate! Why can't we just know right away so it can save me the added stress??? I've actually been pretty good this cycle...nice and relaxed about it but like I said the 2WW is the hardest part and my attitude could change at any moment. Here's to hoping I can remain calm the next 2 weeks. I have a nice relaxing weekend to look forward to, so that's a plus! :)

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Fall Rally

This past weekend I attended lia sophia's fall rally up in Raystown, PA. What a FUN rally!!! I always enjoy going to all these functions. 7 of us from our local unit drove up together and got lost a couple times...LOL! Those GPS systems aren't always 100% reliable, but we made it after a couple turn arounds, a stop at an ancient gas station (you know, the ones with the pumps from like the 1950's...we didn't even know how to work them LOL) and a lovely stop at a bug/spider infested outhouse. EWW!!! Anyway, on our way up we had our monthly meeting where my manager would give out awards to those who made certain goals, etc. I was the top seller for our unit in July so she gave me the following: a $50 gift certificate to Red Lobster (YUM), a free piece of jewelry out of the catalog (my choice), 4 supplies (things we use in the business like order forms, invitaions, etc), and this awesome lia sophia water bottle. I was so excited to be recognized on this accomplishment! I just LOVE my manager and all of the girls in our unit...we have so much fun everytime we are together!

The rally itself was a blast! They fed us breakfast and lunch, had separate "breakout" sessions where we learned the tricks from the top sellers in the company. We also heard from the lady who has been working with lia sophia since 1981 and is a "star zone manager" (she has over 5,000 ladies underneath her that she makes commission off of)....let's just say that her paychecks are HUGE...she makes a couple million a year doing this! Unbelievable!!! She is such a sweetheart and so motivational. We were all given a free piece of jewelry out of the new catalog...I love the earrings I got! Raffle baskets lined up around the room giving us a chance to win them by purchasing raffle tickets. I unfortunately did not win one but a couple of the other girls in our unit did!! Lucky them!! It's so fun to see what everyone is wearing and how they wear them (everyone is wearing lia sophia of course). It was just a lovely day out with the ladies...something I definitely needed after all this crap going on with my full time job. I can't wait for the next rally in spring!

Here are a couple pictures from the day.

Good Mood Today

I don't know if its because of a shorter work week or because the new 90210 season premiere is on tonight but I am in a good mood today! I had a great weekend and my most memorable moment of it would be hanging out at Angela's with our husbands. What a great night and the "cavies" had a fun time as well. "My Heart Will Go On" performance will be in my memory forever. Erik and Brad should go on tour with that one. LOL!

For some reason I have a better outlook on life today...like something is going to change for the better in the near future. I have a lia sophia rally to go to on Saturday and I can not wait! These events are sooooooo motivational to me and it couldn't be happening at a better time. I hope it gives me the kick start I need to making this a more full time career. Considering I had 2 shows that paid for our entire trip to the Outer Banks, I KNOW that this business can make me a lot of money if I put more time into it.

Fall is my favorite time of year and I have a lot to look forward to coming up! Lia sophia events, the annual Apple Festival, Hershey Bears Hockey starting up, small weekend trips with friends, turning my house into a haunted house for halloween, Christmas and more is what I'm thinking about to get me through this tough time in my life. I know things will change and I have a positive outlook on it all. Of course I could not go through all this without the great support of my friends. I love all of you and thank you for helping me every step of the way.